Is it time to come around from the anesthetic and to FEEL, and to LIVE?
Through the persistent and consistent teachings of life (my life), I have begun to understand that ALL external events are representations of our inner world including our thoughts, feelings and beliefs. We are blessed with the freedom to believe this or not. We are also blessed with the freedom to own every brushstroke and condition of our painted masterpiece (our life), or not. When we stand back we have the freedom to blame the brush (or anything else) or to admire the work, or be ambivalent –whatever, but this does not alter the truth, perhaps the inconvenient truth that we did create it, whether beautiful or not.
I was recently in a situation where I was two weeks away from being homeless with my children. As I moved through and experienced my Dark Night of the Soul, many layers of truth revealed themselves. It was/is true that society (our family) is failing to support its’ most vulnerable members, whilst applauding and celebrating the perceived ‘high achievers’ aka those with loads of money. It’s true that estate agents in the area I live have a lot of resistance around renting to people that don’t tick all the boxes. It was also true that my old landlord acted (in my opinion) unfairly by withholding all of my deposit. Yes, all of that was true and at the time it was really important for me to feel, witness and hold the ‘reality’ of that pain and to not step into a cloud full of rainbows and unicorns, full of fluffiness, whist denying and repressing my anger, fear, and frustration at the injustice and thus anaesthetizing myself.
Underneath that layer of truth is another layer that sits with the first. The second layer is the truth also, and taught me, by showing me, that I had created all of it through my vibration. I had invited this series of events into my awareness. The second truth taught me I was a powerful creator; whist the first left me feeling disempowered and vulnerable. It was in the midst of these two truths that I found myself in confusion and chaos, swinging from victim to empowered creator. I witnessed how I could make myself small and only see a narrow perspective led by fear, or I could make myself big enough to hold both truths at the same time and witness the love and support of the universe. The small ‘i’, the one blinded, scared, and domesticated into believing we are oppressed, insignificant and trapped in the small truth, was only able to see stories of the past and images of a failed future that backed up my fears. I was trapped in what we might call Hell. The Big ‘I’, the wise one who is connected to all, knows no fear, has no limitations and knows beyond any doubt that the universe loves and supports all. It thrives in abundance and love, lives with freedom and in what we might call Heaven. When my energy was big enough to hold that truth I was able to relax, have fun, without the compulsion to sit on Zoopla all day waiting for a new house rental to arrive. I spent my days relaxing in the knowledge that all was well and basked in the love and awe of the universe. I trusted the universe to support me and provide me with what I desired, which was a complete contrast to the terror, the tears, the shouting, the panic and the darkness of fear, whist i believed in my smallness. So you see the Buddhist practice of making yourself big enough to hold it all means just that, All of it. The parts we like and the parts we don’t, the highs and the lows, the good and bad, the easy and difficult, the big I and the little i. When we can hold this larger awareness, we experience what it means to be human (which includes feeling and witnessing what hurts) without having to micro manage our experience because of the fear of the perceived unwanted. We can take the ‘Middle way’ by soothing the fears of past hurts and the projected horrors that fear paints, whist we stand firm in the knowledge that we are more than that. We are limitless beings full of potential, wisdom, joy and love. Never ending energy capable of creating any life we choose.
The journey to this truth is experienced in an infinite number of ways. To some the journey is easier than others, but if we can invite the energy of the wise one in to hold and soothe us when life gets tough. If we can be brave enough to feel the pain behind the veil, if we can remember that we are the creators of our reality and we DO have the ability to change and become big enough to heal our inner and outer world. When We have journeyed through our own Night of the Soul and birthed through to the other side, we will have the understanding, compassion and strength to help the WORLD (the collective) journey through its own darkness and we will be able to help our close family and the wider family including the animals, plants and us humans.
Will we be brave enough to own it all, to say sorry and to begin the process of rebirth?
I want to end with the words of Gandhi and then Rumi
“Be the change that you wish to see”.
The grapes of my body can only become wine
After the winemaker tramples me.
I surrender my spirit like grapes to his trampling
So my inmost heart can blaze and dance with joy.
Although the grapes go on weeping blood and sobbing
“I cannot bear any more anguish, any more cruelty”
The trampler stuffs cotton in his ears: “I am not working in ignorance
You can deny me if you want, you have every excuse,
But it is I who am the Master of this Work.
And when through my Passion you reach Perfection,
You will never be done praising my name.”