When fear of our greatness pulls us to apathy.

kaiko The word KAIHO is a Finnish word meaning deep longing and passion.

During a channelled message we were asked why we were happy to accept mediocrity and complacency instead of stoking the fire in our bellies and commanding more? Not more of the same, not more ‘work’ or effort, but more life, more zest, more attitude, more of a sense that we can command our own energy instead settling for limitation, a prison, servitude or victimhood.
Adamus asked, “When will you care enough to tell your aspects, your neuroses and wounds to fuck off?” When will we command with presence and say, “No more? Enough”? When will we tell others the same? “Stop! No! I no longer accept this as my truth”? When do we (will we), let the Lion inside us ROAR?

lion roar
I’d like to share with you part of my own journey with passion.
After my parent’s death in 1998 I was propelled forward onto a path I had not yet trodden in this lifetime. The pain and shock of their deaths tore through the image I held of the world and myself. It was like everything I had known to be true, steady and safe had exploded in a second. Although devastating, a beautiful moment of complete freedom was gifted to me and for a second I felt completely free.

Nothing mattered, I had no worries, concerns, fears, to-do lists, or desires. I experienced complete bliss.

Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now writes “This withdrawal must have been so complete that this false, suffering self immediately collapsed, just as if a plug had been pulled out of an inflatable toy. What was left then was my true nature of the ever present I am”

Even the most beautiful experiences come and go and with the next few breaths I was back in this realm, in the chaos of death, drama and perceived disaster. And so my journey began. It was a journey of healing, understanding, learning and remembering my true nature. My parent’s sudden death created an opportunity for great release. It was a period when Kaiho (passion/huge energy) ripped away my complacency. It was a time of crying till I fell asleep, of screaming, fighting, hurting, throwing things, swearing and laughing so hard that on lookers probably thought I was mad.

I wanted to feel every last bit of pain, joy, humility, struggle and all the highs and lows of life in the aftermath. It was a time of great energy shifts while the flames of my passion, (my Kaiho) burnt up lifetimes of oppression and suppression.

The enormity of the event matched my need for release. For years the fire raged, friends were lost, family were disowned, house moves were made, and conversations were had into the depths of the night until eventually I was exhausted and the time of chaos had passed.

Life became once again routine and normal. I had moved away to a place where no-one knew about my past, a place where they didn’t understand the reason for my anger and tears, or my quest for self-awareness.
I dampened my flame to fit into a new life where I tried to be normal. Marijuana became my best friend. It dulled me enough till I felt I fitted in with those around me as I continued to heal.

I twisted and turned myself like a shape shifter in an attempt to be accepted. I lived in a very middle class area where people smiled politely, mowed their lawns and washed their cars on a Sunday. My friends became polite acquaintances with whom I took my children to the park, picnicked at petting farms, and exchanged polite chitchat at mother and toddler groups, whist inside me I felt alone, misunderstood and bored. I would only feel alive when I was arguing with my husband. It was during those high-energy exchanges that I felt awake, alert and an energy running through me as a reminder that I was here present in this life. I had done a great job of dampening my flame (my Kaiho). I had hid my knowledge, passion, pain, and scars and denied my journey in an attempt to fit into a society addicted to dumbness, apathy, ignorance and fear.

It took me years to understand that the problem wasn’t me and to forgive and release the people that tried to tell me that I should “go back to sleep and stop causing trouble” As a natural introvert I shied away from attention, conflict and chaos that my truth had seemed to cause so much of.
I started a dance where my kaiho would rise, I would speak or act out, chaos would occur, people would try to silence me and then I would force myself back into silence, numbness and oppression. I became afraid of the power of my passion and I allowed myself to fall back into a deep sleep of apathy.


I see so many people asleep and anaesthetising themselves like I did with drugs (prescribed or illegal) as well as alcohol, addictions to TV, food, or exercise. 

I wonder when we will be bothered enough about our freedom that we will do whatever it takes to live it, to feel it and to embody it.
Will we be brave enough to open up our energy field to feel the pain, joy, hilarity, grief, sorrow, and the love that means we are alive. I hope we allow Kaiho to come to us and burn up the oppression, suppression and fear that we have allowed to stop us from living life fully. I hope we dare to feel our pain and that we feel stronger for it instead of allowing ourselves to be ashamed of that which we cant or no longer wish to cope with.

I pray that we get mad together about what is fucked up and we have someone to cry with when tears are needed to release the pain.
I pray that we will massage our stiff upper lips so that they are soft enough to quiver at that which disgusts, hurts, enrages and pains us.
I pray for passion and for our life force energy to get bigger and stronger, until we finally feel and once again give a fuck enough to live our truth and freedom.

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